A Letter To Past Me

After reading through old journals, I send past me the love I desperately sought.

I’ve been working on my memoir aka ‘momoir’ today and part of doing so was going through old journals for research and verifying stories, dates and people against my memories.

Man, old journals are embarrassing. I don’t know about you but I used to only write in mine when I was a hot mess and highly emotional. They barely make sense!  One thing I noticed is how up and down I was and how I constantly looked outward for healing. Many reiki practitioners, self help books, women’s retreats and workshops, all of them in an attempt to learn to hate myself a little less.

Reading past entries brings a sadness to my heart. Past me made mountains out of molehills. Past me had really bad anxiety and depression. Past me was really hard on herself. Past me had unrecognizable self loathing that seeped into every aspect of her life. I couldn’t stick to an exercise plan and when I’d fall off, I’d beat myself up for it. I couldn’t figure out my finances so I was a “the worst”. I couldn’t communicate effectively so I was “too sensitive” and had “too many expectations of friends.” I made excuses for my beliefs and feelings. I never owned anything. Too many times I wrote, “I am my own worst enemy.” Not once did I write, “I am my own best friend.”

I was so hard on myself. I blamed myself for other peoples action, felt ashamed I had expectations for people, and judged myself for everything from my weight to my secondary infertility to my parenting. There was zero grace for anything going in my life nor was there any compassion for the human trying to make her way through life. I was rigid in my need to be perfect and never have a bad feeling/experience/belief. Perfection, although not directly stated, was my goal and anything short of that made me a failure. Everything was an ‘all or nothing’ mentality: food, exercise, friendships, work, education. It’s awful to see how hard I made life for myself with this way of thinking.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Gross, right?

If I could write a letter to me in 2017, I’d say this:

Dear past me,

It’s okay and if it’s not okay right now, it will be. Regardless of your pain, everything really does happen for a reason so ask yourself why something is happening FOR you, not to you. No one likes a victim. Find meaning in the meaningless.

You’re not perfect so stop trying to be! Nothing healthy comes from an “all or nothing” mentality. Release some of that tightly coiled control and let flow in. When you’re in the flow, beautiful things will wash upon your shores.

Let grace become your best friend. Let grace guide your way. Let grace be your light during the dark. Let grace help you expand, breathe and grow.

Everything you need is within you. Use practitioners with a caveat: you still have to do the work. You can’t do one reiki session and consider yourself healed because you had a beautiful vision and a good cry. Look within. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Your breath will always bring you to the answers you seek and I can guarantee the answers you seek are already within you. You are enough. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to spend time with your Inner Knowing. She’s always waiting for you.

Forgive your friends (and some ex boyfriends too!) with compassion and don’t hold so many damn grudges. We’re all just trying to figure Life out the best we can. We can’t all be on the same timelines. Friends are going to come and go. Be grateful for the time spent together and know that it’s okay to mourn them when you need to. You’re allowed to have expectations of people, yourself included but find some damn compassion and understanding when it calls for it. Hold your boundaries though because at the end of the day, every single person on this planet has his/her head shoved up their own asses and no one will care about you the way you want them too. You have to be your number one too (just maybe pull your head out once in awhile and take stock of your actions). Everyone is living for themselves first. Remember that.

Add more play to your life. The baseboard washing and the window cleaning can wait. Play with Claire more. Give her your sillies. More babies will come when you learn to surrender and find your way back to Love. Write in your journal but burn the bitch later so your kids don’t see how crazy you can be.  Give Clay the same grace you need to give yourself. He deserves it and so does your marriage. Listen before reacting and always, always, always remember that you’re not the passenger on this journey. You’re the driver. Pedal to the metal baby; this is your one and only life. What will you do with it that brings you purpose, drive and satisfaction?

Also, I love you so fucking much. You’re strong, funny, thoughtful, kind and a mediocre cook who could be better if you’d just read the entire recipe through before starting. Read the recipes. Look in the mirror. Love the shit out of yourself. No one will love you harder than I will. Let me in.

Love, present me.

What would you tell your past self?