A Truth Bomb About My Parenting
A conversation with a friend that slapped me in the face... in a good way.
I want to share a conversation I had last night with a friend of mine who has two grown children.
“I am feeling really tapped out with the kids lately. I need a break. Oct 25th can’t come soon enough,” I laugh to hide the guilt I feel.
“Ya, that’s fair but listen, here’s the deal. Taking weekend getaways really isn’t sustainable. They’re nice of course but you can’t do that all the time. Is there a way you can set up your days so that you don’t feel as overwhelmed and you can enjoy the day-to-day?” she replied wisely knowing that the days are long but the years really are short. (Her second daughter just moved out and she and her husband are empty nesters now.)
Huh. Now, I have heard the bumper sticker cliche of “create a life you don’t need a vacation from” but I had never actually applied it to parenting despite it’s importance this last decade. Oy! I’ve always thought of it as an overarching Life metaphor. And I do love my life, kids included. But I need a break from parenting.
This summer we focused on family time. We took four different trips including two tent camping excursions. I did all the travel planning, meal planning, groceries, meal prepping, activity prepping, packing, loading the truck, organizing any gear we needed and did most of the driving. Upon our return, I did majority of the unpacking and all the laundry. It was lovely experiences and so amazing to be together as a family exploring our beautiful province but I let my Mom role rule this summer. I was and am exhausted. Kelsey was neglected in a big way. So I’m going to Toronto in October to meet my two childhood best friends turned soul sisters for five days of relaxing and reconnecting.
But my friends words rang true: This isn’t sustainable. I can’t just run away every time I’m overwhelmed. I can’t be continually ‘tapped out’ (as I’ve been feeling for the last month or so). I have to create days that are beautiful and magical and about presence. Trying to finish a book at 2:00 with three kids crawling on me is sure to annoy me. Trying to watch a show is the same. I have forgotten that their needs matter and what they really need is a present mother. Every child only wants attention. It’s that simple. So, my friend suggested, can your kids get your focus for the day? Can I wait until they’re having their independent play time or bedtime to read the book, watch the show, have a bubble bath?
I’ve spent this year so focused on me that I know I haven't given my kids my best hence the summer of family travel to make up for it. But I’ve misplaced the give and take wisdom that’s required to raise four kids with peace and joy while also filling my emotional/spiritual/mental cup. They’ve become annoying because I’ve been trying to fill my cup on their time. How unfair to them.
Can parenting my kids be my “job”? Can I put the phone away, only taking it out on ‘break’ time? Can I be present with them to give them my undivided attention for a few hours? Can I include them in the chores and cooking, teaching them the ways of our family? Can I create a child/parent relationship I don’t need constant breaks from?
Yes, I can. But I still can’t wait for Toronto.
I originally typo’ed the title of this piece with Truth Momb and that actually feels fitting. Motherhood is so hard. It’s a constant evolution and growing process that never really finishes blooming. I am grateful my friend gave me a new perspective and perhaps, it was a truth momb for you too! It takes a village after all.