But I Don't Drink Vodka in The Mornings

Reasons for my sobriety (again) and my new favourite mocktail.

I have quit booze on and off for the last three or four years. It started by staying sober on New Year's Eve because it felt like a bad omen to start the year hungover for three days. Then I’d take a month off for Sober October. Then I did three months sober. Then I did another three months the following year. And every single time, after I’d start drinking again I’d ask myself why.

I once had a counsellor, Dallas, who told me his son was a few years sober.

“That’s amazing. You must be so proud of him,” I said.

“We’ll we are but now we have to deal with his emotional immaturity. He started drinking when he was 15 so it’s like dealing with a 15-year-old now,” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“When you start using alcohol to cope, you stunt your ability to actually cope with things because you’re choosing to numb with alcohol than actually deal with any issues,” he told me.

This resonated deeply for me. Not only for myself but for the heavy drinkers I had in my life. I have been coping with hard things since I was 13-years-old using alcohol. I’ve been a heavy drinker, a moderate drinker, a decide-how-many-I’m-having-before-the-night-even-starts drinker, an only X (wine, beer, vodka) drinker, an only-drink-on-the-weekend drinker, a once-a-week drinker: all kinds of drinkers. My saving grace is that I have been in therapy more than I haven’t been in therapy and I like to think my emotional intelligence is a little higher than that of a teenager. I have always been in social circles or circumstances where drinking was heavy and dare I say encouraged. Drinks after work. Shots with customers bartending. Mom life. Married life. Thursday specials. Business meetings. Happy Hour. Holidays. Weekends. Weekdays. Sunny days. Cold days. Whatever. Booze is always acceptable in our society. And I’ve always risen to the occasion.

But I don’t drink vodka in the morning to get my day started. I don’t drink during the day to get into a calm mood to parent. I don’t drink everyday. I can stop when I know I’ve had too much. I go to bed early. I’ve usually considered myself a “responsible drinker” (what an oxymoron!) But I was drinking every weekend (like many many people do) and I was getting to the point where it wouldn’t matter if I had one glass of wine or four: I was blacking out. One glass would make me tipsy so my memory was foggy. Two glasses and it was questionable. Three glasses and I’m blacked out. The time was coming where I needed to make a decision. Continue down this dark path or make a change.

My last day of drinking was a sunny Tuesday afternoon. I was angry with my husband and thought some wine with a couple friends would be a good idea. We had a bottle each and everyone was home in time to make dinner for their families. I was sober when I went to bed but I woke up feeling really shitty. Why? was on repeat in my mind. It was the final straw for me. Time to take sobriety seriously.

It’s been one month. I’ve been offered drinks and declined. I’ve made haphazard plans for ‘drinks’ knowing I won’t partake. I’ve been around drinkers and have done well. I have saved money by not buying booze. But most importantly, I haven’t regretted not drinking. I wake up with a clear head and I feel proud I didn’t indulge in something that isn’t serving me in any capacity. I have hard days, absolutely; my one month ‘anniversary’ was surprisingly a struggle. However, most days are a breeze. I just tell myself: You are a better mom, wife and person sober. You have terrible hangovers that last for days. Why bother with expensive supplements and trying to get healthy if you’re just going to poison yourself at the same time? You embarrass yourself and black out a lot. Your kids are little for only a short period, don’t you want to remember every bit you can, while you can? You deserve to feel amazing. You don’t need to drink to fit in. You don’t need to drink to cope. You don’t need to drink for anything or anyone if you don’t want to.

There’s zero judgement on anyone who does drink. I have been there...for twenty five years! I grew up in a family of drinkers and I married into a family of drinkers and I have a group of friends who are drinkers and I judge none of them for it. You do you. I’ll do me.

Here's my favourite mocktail lately, a homemade copycat of the ‘Ranas’ from Los Palapas in Saskatoon, SK.

1 tsp coconut syrup (I found mine in the asian section of Safeway)

3 oz pineapple juice

splash of lime juice ( or more to taste)

top with Club Soda or sparkling water. I prefer club soda for this.

It tastes like a Caribbean summer. Enjoy!