Coming To Terms With Friendship and Personal Value

2022 was a year of reflection and change. Two big occurrences helped facilitate a shift in my perceived value and in my acceptance of a big part of myself. One of those instances came in the guise of a woman we will call Sarah.

I met Sarah through mutual friends. We occasionally hung out in groups and eventually graduated to one-on-one coffee dates. I wanted to like her. She’s interesting and fun. But, I couldn’t. I didn’t like who came out in me when she was around. I found myself confrontational with my guard up a lot. I was annoyed by most of the things she said and I found I couldn’t find my, ‘do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?’ mantra. I had to be right. I hated who I was around her. I had to throw in the towel. I had to accept I didn’t like her and more importantly, that it was finally okay to accept I didn’t like her.

It is exhausting trying to make everyone like you. Giving yourself the grace to accept that people-pleasing is soul draining will be one of the biggest gifts you’ll give yourself. Being around people we don’t like make us people we don’t like.

@whatwedontdo

As an enneagram 2, the helper, I’ve always wanted to help others. I gained my value as a person (and friend) by being the helper and found that was my key to being liked. My entire childhood and teenage years were uselessly spent trying to make people like me, to never rock the boat and to find the good in everyone so I could be Miss Popular. Somehow that always translated into attracting the wrong people in my life.

Don’t mistake me, I have a solid, amazing group of friends. My soul sisters have been my best-friends-to-sisters since I was 12. My friends in SK are my family. But there have been many instances where I’ve been drawn to (or attracted to) the ones who needed help, boyfriends included. Sadly, those are usually the ones who have the most problems.

But here’s the lesson in a nutshell: you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves first. So give those people their dignity to navigate their own damn shit and give yourself the permission to walk away. Most of us have access to the same resources: libraries, therapies, fresh air, exercise, rehab (state funded or otherwise); they have the ability to help themselves should they be willing. If you really want to help people, become a psychologist or social worker or start your own blog so you can say whatever you the hell you want and maybe that’ll help people (wink wink!).

Here’s an example of attracting the wrong people for me from about a decade ago: I was living in SK and I was a new mom with no mom friends. I was in a mom group on Facebook and a young woman shared that she was new to town, struggling to make friends and she was lonely. As someone who had been in the same boat a few years earlier, I invited her for a playdate. I should’ve known we weren’t compatible when my normally content baby lost her mind the entire time we visited at a park. I gave the friendship a second chance. She came to my house this time and proceeded to fart and belch her way through the night loudly proclaiming to my husband and our friend Matt that “this was who she is” and we “needed to accept her or fuck off”. I chose to fuck off. With my nose plugged of course.

Even as a kid, I’d have sleepovers with girls from school and my dad, who has a seriously witchy ability to read people clearly, would say, “Kels, I think she’s a bad influence and I don’t think you should hang out with her.” I’d get so mad at him until a few months later when the same girls started getting into fights or stealing and I’d realize he was right.

The second lesson in friendship occurred at a dinner party I was invited to last summer. My good friend was hosting a women’s networking dinner and told me who was invited. When she mentioned a name I didn’t recognize, she explained the woman was someone new to her circle who “was really insecure and down on herself and she just needed a strong group of women like the ones coming for dinner to lift her up and empower her.” I met this gal and all I could think of the host was, “Who do you think you are to change 44 years of someone’s being?” This lady was lovely but I could tell she had a lot of baggage. My friend has a big heart but I wasn’t and still am not interested in ‘project friends.’ I am no longer available to try to help people see the best in themselves anymore or to empower them or to “fix” anyone. I have enough friends and I want to spend my time with them: the ones who inspire and love me. I want the mutually beneficial friendships that fill my cup and pour their blessings upon me. And I upon them.

2022 was a shift from “let me help you (and you and you) and maybe you’ll like me” to “I’m gonna do me and you do you.”

What a relief! To release that burden of finding my value in helping others has opened the time and space up to focus on what does matter. Quality over quantity. If only I had learned that lesson decades ago. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have if those friendships are superficial, draining or lagging. I’m old now. I want front porch coffees in the morning. Wine at bookclub. Intimate dinner parties and game nights. Occasionally, I do want a good piss up or a party to mingle and BS with people but mostly I want the friendships that come easy.

I’m done trying to make people like me. I’m done trying to like people I don’t actually like. Lots of people don’t like me. It’s okay! Just as we can’t all love chocolate we can’t all love me. And we can’t all love you. I’m done people pleasing. I’m done trying to help those who can’t be helped. I’m finally accepting my value as a person is more than how I can help in any given situation. I’m a helper at my core but my helping now comes with ease and the desire for it. It comes from my soul, my essence, not my ego. I wouldn’t have started a charity or volunteered my time with Empty Arms for so many years otherwise. Now, I help when it’s asked for. That’s the other key to helpers: only help when it’s requested. Don’t insert yourself. You’re not God. And likely, you’re not a trained professional either. But maybe this blog piece helps in some way though!