Everything You Need is Within You
It’s been a few months since my breathwork and sound bath experience with Kimberley and Michelle, two amazing women in Saskatoon. I met Kimberley through the Shift conference where I spoke about healing my relationship with my mom. I never got a chance to speak to Kimberley directly but she sent me a message afterwards and we agreed we had a lot in common and should meet for coffee. We did and we connected in a beautiful way; we had meaningful conversations sprinkled with some deep belly laughter: a recipe for the beginnings of a fabulous friendship. I knew she was a breathwork facilitator and was fascinated by it. I have been using breathwork for the last several months and know the power breath has over us. I was excited to experience her medicine someday.
The date finally aligned four months later and I was eager to see her in action. When I arrived at the dance studio where the ceremony was being held, I noticed two things: 11 spots laid in a semi-circle pointing outwards from the centre of the room with Michelle and Kimberley along the adjacent mirrored wall and a really calming energy permeating the space, like a warm blanket across your legs.
The lights were dimmed and candles dotted the floor alongside one pair of head phones at each spot. Women of various ages laid on the provided yoga mats surrounded by their comforts requested by the practitioners: pillows, blankets, water bottles, journals.
We spent the first few minutes going around the room introducing ourselves and explaining why we were there. Many women simply said they were curious about breathwork or sound medicine. One woman said she was a recent empty nester and post menopausal so it was time to see who she was now. I said I was having writer’s block and needed to find my purpose and passion again to finish my memoir.
Kimberley explained what would happen and what could happen to our physical bodies during the session. Our bodies could get hot, she said. Our hands could seize up in an occurrence called tetany. We could cry or move involuntarily. “But whatever comes up is meant for you, so let it come. Don’t try to stop the tears if tears come. Open yourself up to the experience. Let your body talk to you,” she told us.
‘You’re going to put these headphones on. You can control the volume on the side. You’re going to hear music, someone whispering quietly in each ear and then my voice. Everything will be in the frequency of 432hZ and we will enter theta brainwave state which is what we experience just before we fall asleep and the time just before we wake up. This is when your subconscious is most susceptible to change. This breathwork is called The Full Reset and we will breath into our belly, then our chest through our mouths and exhale softly out the mouth,’ she told us.
She laid down in the centre of our half circle to show us how our breathing should look, sound and move through our bodies.
“We will use this reset to release everything that no longer serves us and lead up to the loudest scream you’ve ever screamed. Then you’ll call in everything you do want at the end. Ready?”
We put the headphones on and waited while everyone did a thumb’s up when they could hear Kimberley clearly through them.
Let’s go, I thought. I laid on the floor, a pillow under my head and a pillow under my knees with my favourite blanket over me. But as I listened to the music playing in my ear while Kimberley readied herself, my body started to get itchy, my tell that I’m feeling uncomfortable. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Despite having a fairly good idea of what was about to transpire, my body knew something monumental was about to happen before my mind could catch up.
I began the breathing technique. Inhale into the belly. Inhale into the chest. Exhale out the mouth. Repeat. I slowly melted into the experience and the now comforting feeling that comes from breathwork; a buzzing my hands and feet, a dizziness in my head. I continued all while Kimberley was speaking and music was playing simultaneously. I don’t remember much of what she said over those couple hours. She spoke to my soul and that’s a private conversation for them only. My conscious mind has replayed that evening and all I remember her saying were things like, “let it go, let it go now” and “release it” and “you’re a warrior.”
What I do remember vividly were the visions and physical experience. My body was on fire: I felt like my body was burning from the inside out, like a layer of fire was smouldering under my skin. But I wasn’t sweating. My skin contained the fire.
My entire body was tingling. My hands were in tetany. At one point, my legs were flapping on their own accord. I was wringing my hands at some points too. My chest sobbed when I had the vision of my mom and dad. I saw them clearly, my mind going back and forth between their faces. My chest heaved as I realized just how much my parents love me. Their love may not be how I wanted or needed to be loved but this experience substantiated that they do love me. In their unique ways, they’ve shown me their love. I just didn’t always see it. I cried tears for the little girl I once was, once again. Simultaneously, my tears were also tears of joy and relief. To have the innate, deep soul rooted knowing that my parents love me as they do felt like a full circle moment of complete healing and reparation.
My soul felt like it left my body. It was as if I was hovering above it in the same position as my physical body but a few inches higher. I felt like I was nobody and had no body but was also everything, all at once. I was the stars and the ether and the grass and this body that belonged to the soul that had been given the name Kelsey for these paltry decades she’ll be on this planet in this form. I was nothing and everything, all at once.
When Kimberley instructed us to reign in all that no longer served us and to get ready to scream it out, I envisioned a black ball of resentment and sadness and anger and self sabotage swirling in my chest. I physically felt a mass move up my esophagus into my throat and when we screamed, it popped out of my mouth and into the ether only to be replaced with soothing, divine white light on the next inhale. My chest heaved with sobbing tears that escaped as I felt the magnitude of my release.
I could hear other women around me sobbing as well so I knew this experience was magical for more than just myself. Kimberley told us we were now going to get into the juicy stuff, the good stuff: calling in the life we want.
What did I want? What do I want? What does anyone want in this life?
I saw myself sitting at a desk on the second level of a cabin looking out the window to my four kids playing below outside on a beautiful summer day. I could hear Clay clanging around in our rustic kitchen. As I’m sitting in this moment feeling immense love for my kids and the beautiful relationship I have with each of them, I get a phone call from my book agent who tells me I’ve gotten the book deal for my memoir. “I got the deal? I got the fucking deal?! I GOT THE FUCKING DEAL???!!!” I scream into the phone. I run downstairs to Clay and tell him the good news. I call my mom, “ We got the deal!” I scream at her as I flit around my kitchen in undiluted joy. Tears stream down my face. My life had come full circle.
Next vision: I’m sitting at a table signing books with a long line of women waiting with their copy. Next vision: I’m standing on a stage with thousands of women who are there to hear me talk about healing generational trauma. My heart feels like its five sizes too big and is pushing against my chest, the outline of it clear against my shirt; I feel that grateful and blessed. Next vision: I’m sitting with Oprah on her estate filming an episode for her show about my book and the subsequent events that have happened since. Kimberley is shouting for us to “feel it” and "live it” and “know what it’s like to have that life because that could be your life.” If my body would work, I’d jump up and shout with unabashed glee and gratitude, my adrenaline is pumping that hard. I am spiritually and emotionally jacked up.
The music eventually softened and we began the descent back into our bodies. I was in awe. I had just lived an entirely different life but physically hadn’t left this dance studio. An hour had passed. but it felt like a lifetime. My breathing normalized and feeling returned to my body. The buzzing diminished quietly but quickly and my body was utterly exhausted but I was incredibly aware of her. I felt my body taking up space in the Universe. I felt my body as the vessel it is and discovered a profound love for it.
We moved immediately into the sound bath with Michelle. Her calming use of singing bowls instantly knocked me out. My body felt like I had ran a marathon and was screaming for rest. I surrendered.
After an hour of what I can only assume are beautiful sounds, frequencies and likely serious subconscious reprogramming and intergration, we are awakened and asked to gently sit up and take stock of ourselves.
I was emotionally drained, physically exhausted, mentally bewildered and spiritually uplifted. Normally, I am the first to talk about my experience in ceremonies like this but this time was very different.
“If you had to pick one word to describe your experience, what would it be?” asked Michelle.
After a lengthy pause from the group I piped up with: “Can I give three?”
“Absolutely,” she said.
“What. The. Fuck,” I told her.
The group laughed. We all knew the potency of what took place. We all knew something profound happened for most of us, if not all. We transcended. We transmuted. We were not the same women who entered the space three hours prior.
It was a magical experience that offered me wonderful insights but there was one blatant, shout it in your face, neon sign blazing message I needed: EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS WITHIN YOU.
We can search externally for the answers we desperately seek but nine times out of ten, you have the answer within. No amount of counselling, coffee dates with friends to vent, energy healers, self help books or drugs will give you what a breathwork session can. Going within is the opportunity to meet your soul. Read that again: MEET YOUR SOUL. Who doesn’t want that? All those aforementioned things can help, aid, set your on feet but it’s up to you and only you to take the first steps. To reflect. To move. To change. To find the answers your old, ancient, all knowing soul has for you. To breathe. Your breath is the answer.