Healing With Change: Moving On From Past Purposes

Sometimes you just need a change so you can pivot, refocus, heal or explore.

When I went through four years of gruelling infertility, I found solace in trying to turn something meaningless into something meaningful. I began volunteering with a charity that supports families going through infancy and pregnancy loss. I co-founded a charity that helps fund fertility treatments. I blogged about my struggles. I took a fertility course to become a fertility coach. I thought that in helping others through their own infertility struggles, I had found my purpose in life. It felt really right for a long time…until…it didn’t.

Three kids later plus an almost ten-year-old (going on 16), I am nowhere near as connected to the fertility community as I once was. My purpose suddenly felt like a burden and I began to question my role as a leader in this circle. The new year came and went and I realized I wasn’t the right fit for this world anymore. As I delved into healing some inner child wounds and finding my way towards a regulated nervous system, I knew leaving the fertility world behind was the next step towards healing and change in my life.

Change is scary. My role as a fertility specialist, charity VP, blogger and peer support worker kept me upright on the days I just wanted to crumble. Our charity will likely be one of my life’s greatest achievements. It served its purpose for me and I it. As humans, we live our best lives when we are purposeful. Think of how many people retire and then go back to work. We need to do things, important things, to feel the value of living. For me, my crutch had given out and my purpose shifted; I knew it was time for a change. But I was scared. So although I knew I was done with the charity last summer, it took me almost a year to do something about it. I was scared.

I don’t think I’m alone in that fear of change. Couples stay together because it’s just easier. People stay in jobs because it’s too scary to put themselves out there to get a different job. People live with the illness because they feel like the other options are too hard. It doesn’t help that our society is sick and instead of purporting change in a positive light, we are bombarded with quick fixes, diets, botox, 20 minute workouts, inaccurate MLM rates of success, the works. We say things like, “maybe when the kids are older, I’ll leave.” We say, “I only have ten years left before I can retire; I’ll stick it out.” Simply put, change is hard. Staying in your comfort is easy. I’m currently trying to lose some weight. Do you have any idea how hard that is? So friggin’ hard but I’m showing up for this hard.

I have no idea what’s next for me. Lately, I’m pretty passionate about women’s rights within the birth sphere and homesteading and writing and mothering. Maybe a new purpose will emerge that gives me great joy and pride (aside from raising my four awesome and slightly chaotic kids!) Until then, I’m excited to see where the road takes me, to explore, to adventure, to learn, to release the fertility community into new hands that are searching for ways to make the meaningless meaningful and make a change in the world. For me, it’s time. Time for me. Time for quiet. Time for valuing my time. Time for my children. Time for my husband. Time for friends. Time for lazy(ish) mornings and zero external obligations. My need for my time back won out over my fear. Time is precious. How are you spending your time? Is it valuable? Purposeful? Driven? Easy? Hard? Awkward? Amazing? Maybe this is the sign you’ve been looking for that it’s time for your own change.