Healing with Kambo Part Two: Release and Peace

The second night of the ceremony focused on releasing feelings of judgement (of myself and from others), caring too much what others think and overall feelings of unworthiness

“You should love yourself”

“Give yourself grace”

“Be kind to everyone including yourself”

“Love your body”

“Stop caring what other people think”

“You don’t need to be busy to be valued”

“You’re more than ‘just’ a mom”

“Stop yelling at the kids!”

Words. That’s all these are; words strung together from a clothesline of self doubt, loathing and fear. When do words become belief? Truth? Embodied?

When I started therapy in January, she asked me, “Why are you here?” and I replied, pointing at my head: “well, I know what I am supposed to do but I don’t knooow it” as I gestured to my heart area. We all know what we need to do. Exercise, eat healthy, drink water, connect with our spouses, limit caffeine, parent gently, go to work, hit deadlines, save more money, network to find clients, love ourselves, take vacation days, relax without guilt, shave our legs more frequently, whatever. We know. We all know. But when does that logical knowing become soul knowing?

My second Kambo experience may have been the icing on the cake in my three month journey towards healing my inner child, micro traumas and anger issues. Or maybe it was the catalyst. Maybe it was just divine timing, I don’t know. But I do know that in my second ceremony, I broke down the wall I have placed around myself that was protecting me from living fully in my Truth. This wall isn’t imaginary. A psychic told me she saw it, my old therapist saw it clear as day in my writing and my friends have made comments. I’ve been so scared of what other people with think, say and do that it’s prevented me from thinking, saying and doing whatever the hell I want. So the wall came down. I visualized a brick wall and I took a sledgehammer to it. It felt great! Then, as I sat there with the medicine coursing through my cells, I paused. I felt into my body. My head felt hot, my pulse rang in my ears. I was content to surrender to these physical sensations but Chris said something to the effect of: “Let go of feeling unworthy. Let go of the judgements!” That brought me back to the intention and I’ll spare you details but twelve-year-old me had a really tough (but much needed) conversation with my mom and dad in that moment; one that ended with me saying, “I love myself so much, I am enough!” and those words caused the biggest purge I’ve had in a long time. My hair was down so I got water vomit in my hair, down the sleeve of my sweater, everywhere. It was such a violent release; energetically, emotionally and physically. I sat back, a smile upon my lips and thought, “It’s done.” My shoulders sagged.

The ceremony was over a few minutes later. I had my twenty minute lay down then Chris and I shared a snack and some feelings and I left. One thing Chris and I had discussed on Thursday was cultivating love for oneself and I mentioned mirror work; a tool created by Louise Hay that I loved to use with former clients. It involved standing naked in front of a mirror, summoning all the love you have for your kids or pet or spouse and then enveloping yourself in that same love. It’s looking yourself in the eye and saying, “I love you like I love X, Y or Z.” I did this multiple times on Friday and for the rest of the weekend.

It wasn’t until Sunday morning when I was driving to the gym and listening to a book called What Happened To You by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah that I began to notice something was different. I had a deeper sense of compassion and self. By Monday I was giddy. In previous years, mirror work made me cry and feel sorry for myself, but now I was excited to see what my soul had to say. It was like I was falling in love with myself and I was so excited to get to know her. I found I was a lot more laid-back, laissez faire as my neighbour would say, things were rolling off my shoulders that I normally would begrudge and ruminate on. My anger was dormant. I finally felt in the flow, something I had been searching for for a ridiculously long time.

I want to stop here for a second to just point out that my lack of self love doesn’t manifest in me spitting at myself in the mirror or trying to cut myself with dull razors. It’s not like I think I’m a piece of shit loser who despises herself. I just don’t look in the mirror and say, “You’re awesome, Kelsey!” I genuinely believe most people are in a similar place of knowing that they don’t look in the mirror with this absolute joy to be the person they are. Even my friend said to me after my first ceremony, “but does anyone actually love themselves?Is that even a thing?” Sad, right? We are a society complacent enough to allow this bullshit to build up and negatively affect so many: wallowing, crippling fear, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, instant gratification, impatience, gluttony, addictions, unworthiness as if this is normal! WHAT?! But let’s imagine for a minute that we did look in the mirror with self love and reverence for being who we are. Think about how society would change: No more skin care ads talking about fighting the signs of ageing. No more Jerry Springer (does he even have a show anymore?) No more divisiveness between friends. Better communication between loved ones. No jealousy. No anger. No hate. No resentment. Just love. Sounds too hippy even to my own ears but damn, a gal can dream!

Maybe it was the Kambo or maybe it was a combination of exercise, new supplements, therapy and/or nutrition that has finally helped me realize that I am awesome. Truly, deeply, believably, loveably awesome. Whatever it was, I know I couldn’t have gotten here without my Kambo ceremonies. I will likely continue doing ceremonies periodically because Chris told me that each time you sit with the medicine you build a deeper relationship with it and I’m excited to see what we uncover and how I continue to evolve. I know I still have a long way to go but I’m in the flow! Where will this take me is an adventure to be discovered yet.

I can end this with a “I hope you find this same love and peace someday too. I hope you find your value and your worth within you and not without you or external to you. I hope you know you are awesome and lovely and loved by many.” But those are just words from someone who doesn’t know fuck all about you. You have to do the work to make those words your truth. So I’ll leave you with this: finding this self love and worth on this deep visceral level has been the most freeing, liberating feeling I may have ever experienced. I tear up just writing this. It’s being in the flow of the cosmic order. It’s the feeling you get after the biggest breathe release and a deep sigh. It’s hugging yourself and getting goosebumps because your body is responding to that love. It’s the beginning of a new relationship with giddy joy and childlike wonder. It’s the true Knowing that many search their lives for. It’s everything. And I want you to feel this too. Find your way back to yourself. If I can do it with four kids and a busy household, you can too. Enough of the excuses. Now is the perfect time.