I Love You Wholly and Holy, Mom

Reflections on my relationship with my mother and how much it's changed since my plant medicine experience with Kambo

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll have read that I participated in a two day kambo healing journey earlier this year. Kambo is the secretions from a South American frog that is placed upon ‘gates’ on the skin. The ceremony surrounding it is shamanic, spiritual and heavily focused on getting to the root of issues so one may heal said issues. My second day of sitting with Kambo, I saw a very clear picture in my mind’s eye of my mom pregnant with me. I interpreted this vision as the generational trauma in our family as so much deeper than simply my mom and I’s relationship. I realized I needed to give my mom grace. I needed to give myself grace. This realization on top of the previous kambo exploration around self-love and acceptance was a recipe for a powerful shift in my psyche.

I left the ceremony feeling pretty mellow and within a few days, I felt fantastic. I knew a major shift had taken place in my life. I had fallen in love with myself and with my mom.

A few days later, during my therapy session I told her about the experience, the vision and the insight. She replied, “when you heal something in yourself, you heal seven generations before you and seven generations after you, without anyone having to do anything themselves.” I was curious to see how true this was and the chance came soon after when Mom came to visit in April. We had one of the most honest, straightforward conversations we’ve ever had. In previous years, if I tried to have a hard talk with her, she would get defensive or dismissive and shut down. This time was different: she was open and honest. Weirdly, nothing had changed aside from the fact I had done kambo and felt differently about her and my life. Maybe my therapist was right; everyone heals in the line when one person makes the effort to heal like a domino effect.

On top of the real conversations we had, I felt this overwhelming, all-encompassing love for her. I wish I had better words for it. I just loved her deeply. I saw her as the woman she is, the mother is she and I realized I love her so much more for who she is than I hate her for who she isn’t.

In fact, I realized I didn’t hate her for anything whatsoever. My mind had forgiven her years ago. My body and soul had finally caught up. After she left, I text her. This was our conversation:

ME: I’ve been thinking about you a lot since you left Wednesday. I want you to know that I love you so so much. No matter what you did or didn’t do doesn’t matter to me anymore in any way. I have nothing but admiration for you and the obstacles you’ve overcome. You’re an amazing person and you’re exactly who and what the Universe needs in this exact moment. I love you mom. Xoxo

MOM: OMG!! This truly brought tears to my eyes. I have tried so hard to gain your acceptance and this means the world to me!! Thank you. I love you and our family more than I could ever express!!

ME: You never had to gain anything. This was a me job. Moms are all just trying to do the best we can. And we’re all going to fuck up in some way or another. It’s part of the human experience. A tough lesson to be sure but we need to work through, especially when generational trauma is so deep in families like ours.

Last weekend my Mom came to visit again. I thought maybe things would have gone back to the way they were before as if the kambo experience had worn off and I was back to square one. In actuality, it was the opposite; I felt an even deeper love for her. I would look at her, memorizing the details of her face lest anything happen to her between our visits. We had real conversations that were emotional and connecting. She even came with me to my friends birthday party and did a paint-by-number painting with us! She also read a chapter of the memoir I’m writing about our relationship and she gave me her blessing to write it knowing that its conclusion is beautiful and holy. Is this what it feels like to wholly (dare I say ‘and holy’ again?) love your parent? I asked myself repeatedly. She was still herself; again, nothing had changed about her and yet, I was just so in love with her! What a beautiful blessing from the Universe to have given me the vessel for absolute, irrevocable change.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. Plant medicine and psychedelics are an incredible way to help heal problems you may have. I am a huge advocate for it because I’ve seen how it has radically changed my life. I know it would change yours too.