Small Parenting Changes with Big Effects
After reading a fantastic parenting book, I've adopted a few of the techniques and wow, what a game changer in my parenting, my kids and my family
I said I would write a post about this book I read and boy, you’re gonna be glad I did!
Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff was a five star book for me. Unlike most parenting books I’ve read, this one didn’t make me feel like a shit parent with no hope of redemption. This one was interesting, engaging and was detailed enough that I felt I could pick and choose what to add into our family’s dynamic.
The premise: Western civilization only accounts for 12% of the world’s population so Doucleff, a journalist, decides she wants to see how some of the other 88% of the world parents. She takes her three-year-old daughter and ventures to Mexico, Northern Canada and Tanzania to explore their parenting styles.
It was an eleven hour listen on audio so I can’t imagine how long the book would take to read so it’s a lot of information. Naturally, I absorbed what was meant for me and my situation (big family, four kids, unhelpful little ingrates most of the time) but there’s so many lessons to be taken and implemented.
One of the biggest lessons for me was the concept of Mayan “accomodito”; the idea that everyone in the family is accomodito: working together for the benefit of the family unit. Everyone has a role and jobs and it’s their duty to fulfill them each day. Children are taught accomodito at a young age and are excited to participate in the tasks of the family. It makes them feel important and grown up and like they matter. Children naturally want to help; this give them that sense of belonging and purpose at a young age that stays with them for life.
I have felt like Cinderella for far too long. While I have found my way through the insecurity of “just” being a stay-at-home-mom and that my role is family and home, I was still hustling everyday to get basic needs met and jobs done. There was always something to clean, fold, make, unload, reload, put away, set down, reorganize, eat, drink, wash, etc. And it was always me doing all of these things.
I am outnumbered! I am one person. I am not the family unit. I am a part of the family unit. So enters accomodito: everyone works in the family unit for The Family. Where I go in the house, the kids go. All of them. No longer do they get to play and sit in front of the TV while I’m upstairs picking up after them or cooking or cleaning. We do everything together now. When I fold laundry, they fold laundry. (We hold up the towel length wise and then make the two corners kiss. MUAH! Then we take the next two corners and make those corners kiss, MUAH! and fold once more. The kids love this!) When I make a meal, they are helping. When I am cleaning, they are cleaning. Then we have the same downtime to be together and have fun. I always tell them, work hard so we can play harder. We definitely get more play time now that we (usually) get our jobs done faster by doing them together. My kids feel so important when they help. They know they’ve contributed as a “big boy”/ “big girl” and they love this feeling. Since incorporating accomodito, my kids run to help. Whether it’s breakfast (I’ve now taught them how to use our toaster oven for morning toast), dinner (washing and preparing vegetables) or folding laundry (‘Look mom, they kissed!’) they are excited to help. Say what??
Now to get my nine-year-old a little more on board. She’s used to me doing everything for her so she's taking a little longer to pump up but it’s coming. She’s learning to cook and clean and is becoming a bigger participant in the family unit.
A premise of accomodito: start them young. By the time they’re pre-teens, life will be easier because her/his role will be solidified and they won’t know any different.
Another reason acccomodito works for us. We don’t have any family here to help us. Many cultures around the world live inter-generationally. They have family in the house or at least nearby. They have small communities of family surrounding them to help, especially in tribal groups in Tanzania. Some babies spend 40% of their time away from their mothers and moved between the arms of their tribal women upwards of every 15 minutes in some scenarios. We don’t have grandparents nearby. We don’t have aunts or uncles or cousins to call upon. We only have each other (and our small community of friends who’ve become family but I’m not asking them to fold my underwear!) So rather than focus on this idea of individuality that is so prevalent in Western culture, we are shifting to focus to The Family: working together to make life easier on everyone. It’s a win-win: they help me with the day-to-day stuff and they learn the tasks, responsibilities and foster their innate desire to be helpful. Tasks take longer sometimes and meal making is messier but the connection we’re making as a family is worth every egg shell, every flour dust, every moment because we’re together and everyone feels important.
I’ll stop here and revisit this book again if anyone shows interest or if I see drastic changes like I have in my kids by implementing anything else. Until then, do yourself a massive favour and implement accomodito!