The Mom Thermostat

The heavy burden of setting the emotional temperature in the home

We’ve been home for twelve days from Mexico.

We came back to pink eye in two kids, bronchitis in three kids and one with a new fear of the dark. I haven’t had a pee, poop, bath or sleep without some kind of audience. I’m exhausted. My husband’s exhausted. The kids are exhausted. It was not the homecoming we had hoped for. Add in my moon time fast approaching; I knew we were doomed.

Moms set the stage. Our emotions set the tone. Our behaviour sets the kid’s behaviour. Our energy sets the current. We are the thermostat in our families. What a burden to carry. Our children become mirrors of our own inner turmoil and then we lash out at them for doing exactly what we’re doing. At least, that’s the case in my house. My four children are little Mom mimes, doing what I do. And when I am struggling, they are struggling.

Our third child has a fear of the dark. This is new since our return. She needs a lot of snuggles and there’s a lot of tears at bedtime now. Two nights ago, I lost it. “Chloe, please just go to bed. Close your eyes! This is silly! There’s nothing to be afraid of!,” I said sternly. I had about 2oz of gas left in my tank and I still had 3 other kids to get to bed. I was at my wits end. I couldn’t give this anymore energy. I left her room with a “that ought to do it” smugness. I took a deep breath. Off to the next kid. But, I could hear Chloe crying.

Thirty seconds later, I felt so guilty. Bad mom feels seeped in. What am I doing? I thought to myself. That is not the parent I want to be.

I took another deep breath. Held it. Released it slowly. I went back in. I sat down beside her on the bed. I gave her a big hug. The hug was more for me than her but we both needed it. I asked her if we could try something. She said yes. I guided her through some somatic energy work, blending tapping with physical movement and release. We talked about why she was afraid and how it came to be. We went through three tapping cycles. I said I’d leave the door open to another room with the light on so she’d feel safe. She agreed. I hugged and kissed her again and left with both of us in a much better state.

Mom win, I thought. We both survived and I was able to pivot enough to be the mom she needed. Last night, she asked if we could do the tapping again. “It makes me feel better,” she said. She would have no idea tapping exists if I hadn’t got my shit together and rallied to be there for her.

I had to change my thermostat to meet her where she was. I wish I had more wins than guilt but I’m human and I’m doing the best I can.

I share this to tell you that I know exactly how heavy the weight of carrying your entire family’s emotional intelligence is. That co-regulation is real and difficult and it sucks when you need to break down and need your husband to take over but he breaks down alongside you. It sucks! It fucking sucks! Being the anchor for your family is heavy and drowning at times. But it’s also really rewarding especially when you can set your own needs aside for five minutes to tap out your kid’s fears and help them feel safe again.