Therapy, EMDR and a Bag of Plums
As I sat in the grey chair in her office, tears filled my eyes as I awaited her first words. She asked, “So? Why are you here?”
As I sat in the grey chair in her office, tears filled my eyes as I awaited her first words. She asked, “So? Why are you here?”
Therapy. Again.
I have a confession that causes my heart to race to admit: I have a rank temper. It’s the darkest part of me and something I know I need to fix immediately. It’s like I have this alter ego deep within me; it’s the gnarl in a tree, the venom of a snake, the rot in the compost. It’s ugly, unrelenting and short. I hate this part of me. In fact, I despise her.
My anger strikes like a viper: quick, sharp and deadly. I snap. I yell. I swear. I’ve even thrown a bag of plums at my husband. I literally can’t stop my mouth from moving. There’s no controlling my emotions when my temper flares. I am truly, irrevocably uncontrollable. I have zero emotional self-regulation. It’s astonishingly ridiculous. Ugh, just writing this makes me feel ashamed and ugly. But the point of writing is to work through my shit and this is my shit: I have a deep well of anger simmering inside me.
The worst part? No one sees my temper except my husband and my kids who are usually on the receiving end. They trigger me like no other.
Having children is the ultimate lesson in personal growth. They are a mirror of your insecurities and programming. They pick up every last morsel of bullshit you leave laying around in your wake and eat it, changing them with each bite.
I see my nine-year-old absorbing my darkness. She’s angry too; quick tempered and irrational with her siblings. She doesn’t ever speak kindly to them. You can’t reason with her or use logic to calm her down. She can’t self regulate. She is me. I am her.
There’s the good parts of myself I see in her: my kindness, my creativity, my thoughtfulness. She’s a wonderful little girl. But this one thing is such a big thing I worry it will ruin a lot of experiences for her later in life.
So here I am, in therapy, to get my anger under control so I can be a better parent and wife.
“I have this anger, this temper and I need help releasing it. I know in my mind what is happening and why I’m doing it and what triggers me but I don’t know it enough for me to stop it, to actually change,” I tell the counsellor as I point to my heart.
Thus begins my first session in EMDR and somatic experiencing. EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Basically, it’s a form of psychotherapy that is designed to help a person process an emotional event using movement that engages both halves of the brain to help the person release the emotions attached to the experience and essentially heal the brains information processing system. In my case, I held two plastic paddles that buzzed back and forth in my hands while I talked. Some people follow an object back and forth with their eyes. Some people use touch. Somatic means, “of the body’ so it’s about bringing awareness to the body to help release trauma and other stressors.
I was sceptical but a friend recommended this counsellor saying the work they did together changed her life. I thought, ‘I could use some life changing therapy.’ I was intrigued but also hesitant. But after months of putting it off and making lame excuses, I made the first appointment.
I learned I have completely disconnected from my body. I am damn good at living in my mind and denying my body any access; the two have divorced each other and it was bitter; there’s no contact whatsoever. Whether it’s from years of neglecting my experiences or anger at my body for betraying me month after month during my fertility journey, my body has no place anymore. My mind and my emotions run the show. As the counsellor kept stopping me mid sentence to say, “Stop! What do you feel in your body right now? (the somatic part)” I would reply, “ I have no idea. Everything just feels heavy.”
What if you were in a field and a lynx was watching you, waiting to pounce? If you weren’t connected to your body, your body couldn’t relay the message to your brain to run. You would be attacked.
Our body picks up on so many external factors at any given moment. If your body can’t tell you what’s happening, what happens? Emotions take over. And nine out of ten times our emotions aren’t true. We put a lot of stock in our feelings these days and ignore all the rest. I’ve been ignoring my body for decades.
One of the hardest parts of being a mother is you are the ‘mood setter’ in the household. How I feel dictates how everyone feels. Our families are all co-regulated. We pick up each others emotions. That’s a heavy burden to carry. Naturally, I want to be happy most of the time. The counsellor told me that as I work with the EMDR and somatic therapy, there will naturally be a ripple affect throughout my family. They will become more self-regulated as I become more self-regulated. We will all heal.
Motherhood is a double-edged sword. It is both absolutely amazing and absolutely maddening. It’s hard and beautiful and frustrating and joyful. So I know it’s natural parents will get angry. As the counsellor said, “You can be angry and regulated. You can be sad and regulated. You don’t have to be happy all of the time. You can still feel the hard emotions.”
By the end of the session I was itchy. I was actually sitting in the chair itching my entire body. She asked me if I was uncomfortable. Ummm, yes. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of moving out of my mind and moving into my body. It’s uncharted territory but it has to be better than what I’m doing now. She gave me homework. Hum, she said. The vagus nerve is the only nerve that connects from your brain to your gut- a relationship that is slowly showing a big importance in our overall health- and humming activates it. Also, she added, when your emotions are high, pay attention to your body. Tune in.
I have since noticed when I am angry, I hold my breath. My chest feels heavy, like a large rock is sitting in my rib cage. My jaw feels tense but not clenched. This realization is a big step forward for me.
Add in the psilocybin trip, yoga, giving up booze, my mindfulness practice and now this therapy, I am on a path that feels right. I will add, I am nervous to meet my body again. I hope she likes me.