This Isn't Talked About Enough...

Musing on friendships

You want to know what isn’t discussed enough?

Friendships.

How to make them, how to end them, how to deal with conflict, how to communicate, how to set boundaries, basically… everything.

I was talking with a new friend recently and she said, “imagine we sat women down and said, ‘This is what I need from you. This is what I expect in our friendship’ almost as if we were in a relationship? Imagine how that would go?”

I was floored. Her words landed. For years I felt like my expectations in my friendships made me insecure, needy, clingy and sensitive. Seeing the friendship as a form of relationship showed me that I’m not insecure, needy, clingy or sensitive. In fact, it’s the opposite. I have  boundaries. Expectations. Hopes. Wants.

Lately, I’m seeing all these posts about friendships and specifically, how you don’t need to talk to one another and you don’t need to check in because one side understands that life is busy etc etc.

Imma call bullshit on that.

What’s the point in being friends with someone if you don’t have any expectations or needs from them?

As I’m getting older, (I just turned 39 a week ago!) I’m taking a closer look at my friendships. I need my friends more than ever. Amidst the chaos of motherhood, I need the support, love and solidarity from friends. I need phone calls/texts and coffee dates and belly laughs and deep conversations and the occasional getaway. I want to hold those people accountable to the relationship. Because that’s what friendship is: it is a relationship. Imagine dating someone and he/she said, “yeah I’m not going to be able to talk to you for three weeks. I can’t even text you I’ll be so busy.” You’d be pretty confused, wouldn’t you?

I’ve become unapologetic in my needs when it comes to friends. I want to be clear going forward that I have expectations of you: both to me in the relationship and to yourself. I will see the best in you and I will always want to see you try your best. And if you’re in my close circle, I want to be your accountability partner just as I expect you to to be mine. Otherwise, again, what’s the point?

In the past few years, I’ve always joked, if you’re not funny, fuck off. Because laughter is so important for me and my wellbeing. I want to surround myself with laughter and fun and joy. Don’t get me wrong; I am here for the hard (and I think I am good at holding space for my friends hard times) but I need the fun to balance it all out in my friendships. This is a NEED for me.

In the past I haven’t been clear in my expectations. That’s changing. Starting now.

Why bother with someone who ghosts you frequently or doesn’t return texts/calls or flakes out on plans? Why bother with someone who can’t communicate or hear you when you share hard things? Why bother with someone who is constantly draining your energy or leaning on you too heavily/constantly for their emotional support? Why bother when you can find a person who is willing to show up equally?  Especially as we age! I don’t know about you but less is more in my world. I’m incredibly blessed to have a good dozen friends who are my everything but once upon a time, in earlier days, more friends was better, regardless of the quality of the friendship. As I’m getting older, I want quality over quantity.

I’ve also learned that one friend doesn’t need to be everything. As in, I don’t need one friend to be my concert friend and my bookclub friend and my camping friend and my party friend. I have a variety of friends that meet different needs. I have a friend I go to for advice, another for fun, another for walks by the river with coffee, etc. One person can’t be everything and that’s okay too. That’s why I’ve dropped using the words “best friend”. One friend can’t be the ‘best’ and it’s also a childish label and notion. I’ve also noticed that when I would use the label ‘best’ I ended up putting that person on a ridiculously high pedestal; one that was destined to crumble under the weight of my expectations of who a best friend should be. The relief of letting that go is immense.

I recently had to release a dear friendship I had for many years. It broke my heart to cut the tie but it was a long time coming. After we spoke, I felt a huge weight lift and I knew in my sigh of relief I had made the right decision. We weren’t the same people we were when we first met and things had changed too much for me to feel respected and loved in that relationship.

But leading up to that hard conversation and release I was questioning everything about myself and my other friendships. Am I needy? Am I being the best friend I can be? Is she/he being a good friend to me? Are my expectations too high?

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

I realized I do want to show up better in some of my friendships. And I want to release a couple more. And I want to solidify a deeper connection to a few others. I’m in a transition period right now. Maybe it’s aging. Maybe it’s motherhood. Maybe it’s embodying a more authentic self. I don’t know but as scary and hard as it is, I’m here for it. Life happens and not everyone is meant to stick around forever. The saying, ‘reason, season and lifetime’ rings true these days. I used to want every friendship I had to be lifetime friendships and I see now that some aren’t and that’s okay! Say it with me, IT’S OKAY!

When a friend from college hurt me deeply a few years ago, I was devastated that that friendship, one I thought would be a lifetime, turned out to be a reason friendship. She was the catalyst for boundary setting in friendships for me. I am forever grateful to her for the time we had together and I’m even more grateful for the release and the lessons it taught me.

I’m still working on many facets of friendship. Having hard conversations is hard for me because I’m afraid of rejection and quite conflict avoidant (but I’m working on that!). Releasing friendships is still awkward and difficult. I definitely don’t have the answers for that one. However, I recently listened to a podcast by Liz Moody who was hosting an advice session with Carissa Stanton (from Brocc Your Body) and she said something about friendships that resonated: “at the end of the day, people are just gonna do what they wanna do. I just have to be like, I know I’m a good friend. I’m confident in that. And if that person wants to spend time with other people, then I totally accept that. My outlook is just people are always thinking about their own selves first. They’re gonna go what they want to do. They’re just doing what they wanna do. So it just kind of boils down to, again, if you think you’ve been a good friend and you’re giving it your all, then it’s all you can do. And I think there is the silver lining that it’s so, so hurtful and it’s so so hard but it frees up your time and energy to find somebody who is going to appreciate how wonderful you are and everything you can bring to a friendship.”

So today, I know this: I am a good friend. I am confident in that. And I’m not letting anything redefine or make me doubt that in myself again. And if you’re in a similar spot, and I think many of you are from the synchronistic conversations I’ve had and heard lately, I hope you find the people who appreciate you and love you for who you are, as you are. Those are the ones to give your time and energy. Release the ones who no longer fit your life or needs. Wish them well. Forgive. Have the hard conversations…or don’t. Sometimes drifting apart is easier for everyone involved if you just let Life do the rest. State your needs. Be unapologetic about it. Deal with the smoke before it becomes a fire if it’s a friendship you want to save. Give it your all. The people you need will find you. It’s like dating: your people are out there. Be authentic to yourself. Set boundaries. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.