What My Husband Said

When you get hit with a truth bomb....

I avoid discussing my marriage here out of privacy for my uber-private husband but I have to share something that happened over the weekend. After a really big fight last weekend and a week of tip toeing around each other, gently putting feelers out to see how the other was doing and faring, we had another deep discussion on Saturday morning. The sun was shining into our kitchen, the kids played quietly (for once) and he said to me, “when do we get to take down the scaffolding around me and stop trying to always change me?”

I am horrible for nitpicking and judging, criticizing and attacking him. I am always trying to get him to change this or that or do more of this and less of that. Granted, there are definitely times where it’s needed and validated but there's times where it’s like, “what the hell are you doing Kelsey, leave the man alone!”

I always believed that marriage was supposed to be a constant growth, an evolution of change side by side. But I realized this weekend I was wrong. My husband is on his own path. It is not my job to make him change or do anything he doesn’t want to do or is capable of doing. It is not my responsibility to ensure he’s paying enough attention to the kids, eating his greens first (hello glucose revolution- read it!) or making sure he gets enough sleep. He is a grown up. And sadly, I forget that sometimes. In a nutshell, I can be really controlling. When children grow up in environments where they feel unsafe, the byproduct is controlling adults. It’s in my blood to control situations to feel safe.

I also realized this weekend that my path of growth isn’t my husbands path. I can’t expect him to do what I do, believe what I believe or act how I want him to act. My journey is mine alone and while I certainly hope I am a positive influence on him, inspiring his own growth, he’s living his own life, following his own path. I can’t force him to become a spiritual yogi or a vegetarian or the hockey dad. It’s just not him.

I had to stop, reflect and ask myself, “Can I love him for who he is, scaffolding and all? Can I look beyond that scaffolding and see the man within and love him for who he really is, flaws and all, working towards his own version of his best self regardless of what I think that should be? Can I stop trying to control every situation and maybe just let him (and us) live our lives and see what comes next?

I always invite deep dialogue and crystal clear communication because our lives are chaos and he can be an ass sometimes just as I can be a BIG bitch. But can I loosen my hold on what I think needs to be the ‘right’ way and see what may come? How can anyone change when they’re being shamed into it? Simply put: You absolutely can not. You can only lead by example without expectations and with love leading the way and maybe a few heated arguments to ensure boundaries are maintained.