When Fear Comes Knocking
I didn’t post last Sunday as I was in Toronto and happened to be at a wellness conference for living your best life. The lineup of speakers was sure to inspire anyone; Dr. Shefali, Gina Livy, Gabby Bernstein, Joy McCarthy and more. As each woman stood upon that stage I couldn’t help but take notes. The majority of the women present were over the age of 50, many of them looking at the speakers with awe and tears. I looked across the sea of tables at the 700 guests and honestly, I was a little sad. Isn’t your 40’s when you start to finally feel comfortable in your skin? When you no longer give a shit what anyone thinks? When you know who you are and you own it like a coveted family heirloom? This is what I’ve always been told. Instead, I heard many women share about losing themselves in their work, in their children, in their marriages. Words like “lost”, “people pleaser”, “I don’t know what to do” and “I don’t know who I am anymore” flitted through the air like dust motes, sprinkling over everyone who agreed and nodded their solidarity.
Women laughed and cried as they experienced phenomenal, strong women who stood up to share their stories: ones of loss, finding faith, overcoming addiction, finding herself, growing her business, self realizations and more.
At the beginning of the conference we did a meditation and breath work session to ground into and be present for the day ahead. As I sat there, dizzy from the breath work, I put my hands over my heart and heard, “you are afraid of your own potential.” Umm what? Where did that come from?
Our bodies know before our brains can catch up sometimes and instantly I knew my inner knowing was right. I am scared. I am terrified about putting myself out there and facing cancel culture. I am scared about sharing on social media; my relationship with it is more hate than love. I am worried about aiming for the stars and burning out before I leave the atmosphere. Worst of all, I am paralyzed thinking my words may not be good enough. And as I watched one of my favourite authors stand in front of the crowd, I also realized I am worried that success may change me into someone ugly, someone I don’t recognize nor want to be. These fears are why it’s taken me almost 40 years to take my writing seriously and write the damn book! We all self sabotage when we don’t feel good enough.
However, the joy in catching up to the deep inner knowing in your body is that it’s now front and centre, screaming to be acknowledged. So acknowledge it I have. Cancel culture will exist for the next foreseeable future. Those who love with me will stick by me. Those who don’t, won’t. It’s that simple. If I offend, piss off, upset, etc. someone they’re likely not my people and them cancelling me makes room for others to find me. Social media is a double edged sword. I am not interested in sharing my every waking moment as some do, past me included. But I am willing to try to share little nuggets of value and wisdom to grow an audience that wants to hear from me. It’s a slow game with this one because I don’t want to need followers to get my book published (but am being told everywhere I need them!) I’ll never leave the ground if I don’t aim high so … here we go! Blast off! I have always been a writer. I have been writing stories and poems for as long as I can remember. Even if my words aren’t good enough, I am good enough to want this deeply and more, to do it. My dreams of being a published, successful, globe trotting, public speaking healer through words needs to be bigger than my fears. To my fears I say, I heard you. I know you’re trying to protect me but I am ready. I am strong enough to face whatever may come. I am resilient enough to adapt to whatever challenges may arise. I am smart enough to find the people who will help me be the writer I know I can be. I am bigger than these fears and I believe I can accomplish this goal.
What do you say when your fears feel bigger than your dreams? What do you do when your fear knocks on the door demanding acknowledgment? Are you ready to aim high? Or is walking on Earth wrapped in your comfort zone enough for you? Are you ready to step into your power and eliminate words like “lost” and “people pleaser” and “I don’t know who I am” and be the bad ass mother trucker you were destined to be? Ask yourself, who do I want to be? And why aren’t I her yet? Close your eyes, place your hands over your heart and listen. Really listen.