You Don’t Have To Pretend Anymore
Have you ever met or know someone who pretends to have their shit together? Who acts like everything is fine while sitting in a dumpster fire? Who says their life is good and there’s no issues whatsoever? The friend who is lives in denial and refuses to acknowledge the shitstorms around her?
You know who I mean. We all have one. And she’s usually a mother to boot.
When I look back on previous blog posts from my infertility years I notice a trend: I’d pour my heart out about the fear and worry around pregnancy or life or literally anything I was struggling with but I’d always end the blog with some kind of lesson. I’d wrap up the hard in a big pretty bow as if to say, “But see? I’m fine. I learned a lesson so the rest doesn’t really matter anymore. Look at how wise and put together I am!” Excuse me while I choke on this bullshit.
An ex-boyfriend used to tell me to never say fine. It meant Fucked up Interior, Nice Exterior.
I used to use this platform to share my ‘authentic’ voice but I see now that I never truly could. Perfectionism is one of my coping mechanisms to trauma response and to show anything less, well, that just couldn’t be. I didn’t want to be pitied or embarrassed or seen as anything less than “put together.”If people mentioned a particular post or story with concern, I’d shut it down and dismiss it thinking, “Didn’t you read the end? I’m fiiiiine. See the bow?”
In fact, the truth is I wanted my words to ring with wisdom and knowledge. I wanted people to admire my tenacity and perseverance. I wanted my hardships to seem ripe with lessons learned and grace. Gross. How self righteous. Who the hell was I?!
It isn’t authentic to worry about what others will think and pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
But something has shifted since I committed to healing my anger. The other night I was at my beloved bookclub and afterwards, one of my friends text me and said, “EMDR is life changing. I can tell that it’s opening you up. When you talk about your experience, I can feel/see you speaking from a place of vulnerability. In the past, it was more like you would talk about it like you were talking about someone else. You seem more connected to yourself if that makes sense.”
As someone who was trying to write from a place of wisdom (remember the lessons?! The LESSONS people!) I was only deluding myself. I wanted to be seen as someone who juggled it all and had acquired all this incredible wisdom. As Carl Jung said, beware of unearned wisdom. I was so full of shit! Maybe that’s why my eyes are brown. They were clouded by need for perfection in the eyes of others.
To hear my friend’s new perception of me gave me pause. Was therapy really working? I had to really think about this. My anger is still there and simmering so I wasn’t really sure yet. I’d wager I’m 10% less angry though. So yeah, it’s working.
I have also realized that we are all floundering in some way or another. Just when we think we have our shit together, something else will come along to knock you off kilter. To paraphrase Pink Floyd, we’re just…lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. All we can do is just keep swimming. And then fuckin own it.
I apologize for past posts of attempted wisdom and perfection. I am just as fucked up as everyone else, if not more, but going forward I’m going to own it and be my true voice.
Also, if you have a friend trying to fake it ‘til she makes it, stop her, hug her and tell her, “you don’t have to pretend anymore.”