Healing with Hapé: Finally Surrendering
Healing with Hapé: Finally Surrendering
Continuing the journey towards healing my anger by experimenting with psychedelics and alternative modalities
If you’ve been following along, you’ve likely read my anger confession and if you’re new, you can read it here. As part of my therapy and work towards uncovering the roots of my anger, I have been slowly delving into the world of Indigenous plants, medicines and psychedelics.
Recently I participated in a hapé (pronounced hah-pay or sometimes called rapé- rah-pay) ceremony. It is a sacred, revered plant medicine from the indigenous tribes of the Amazon. It is a healing mix of plants, herbs, roots and flowers to create a potent medicine for healing, clarity and connecting to animals, spirits and Mother Nature. Hapé has been used by shamans for thousands of years so when I heard an acquaintance was holding a ceremony alongside a sound bath, I was in!
After my first dose, Aya hapé, I felt …happy. Slightly euphoric. Giddy. But as I looked around at the remaining group, the others were in varying degrees of discomfort: crying, gagging, throwing up. I was sweating but I wasn’t anywhere close to purging. I began to wonder if I wasn’t getting the full effect of the medicine. Purging in any form is believed to be a means to an end: a release of that which no longer serves us. When I came in, I didn’t want any purging, any discomfort. Who wants to puke? Not I! But, as I watched these women purge in various ways and saw them cheered on for the release I suddenly wanted a purge! I wanted to let go of whatever was holding me back. Maybe my anger would spew out into the bowl, a black rot of decades long resentment. Maybe my inner child would emerge and allow me to speak anything I held back. I wanted it. It was weird.
For my second dose, I asked the facilitator Michelle, the most divine soul I’ve ever met for her recommendation on which hapé to try. She suggested Ancestors. Perhaps because I knew what was coming, there was resistance when she blew the medicine up my nose. There was the eye watering, nose burning feeling my friends had told me about. I had an instant head rush akin to a tobacco head rush but it was 100x more than a cigarette buzz. My entire body tingled. I felt every single cell in my body. I opened my eyes and felt the dizziness set in. Michelle told me to close my eyes and meditate. But that feeling of losing control, of being dizzy, of not being myself, scared me. Losing control is not something I can surrender to often. Control makes me feel safe. I need safety. I basically raised myself since age 12 so safety is something I have coveted and needed even more as I’ve aged. The buzz left me with a weird dichotomy-fear over losing control but also, a slight intrigue for the connection in my body, a body I’ve not truly ever felt before.
I reached for Jodie (watch here). Before we started she asked me, “do you want to be touched?” knowing what the journey could entail and I paused before replying, “yes” so when I felt that fear, I knew that in order to surrender to the experience I would need help. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I grabbed for her. Through Jodie’s touch and Michelle’s words I could breathe into the moment, into the dizzying disorientation and just be, just feel, just experience.
As part of this journey I’ve been on, feeling my body has been something incredibly foreign to me, like learning a new language and feeling those words roll off my tongue. I am in awe I was able to ground down into my body and simply let her feel without my mind trying to sabotage the experience. As I sat in the moment, I said, “Oh hello body, there you are.”
It was like coming in from the cold to a warm kitchen and simmering apple cider on the stove. It was like a big, long hug from my husband. It was like coming home. It was beautiful.
I should add, I did end up purging; first bottom then top. When I was in the bathroom after my bottom purge, I looked myself in the mirror and said, “if there’s anything else I need to release, let it be now.” I instantly threw up and then I instantly felt this peace descend upon me. I can’t explain it. Maybe there was some placebo effect to the experience. Maybe it was the plant working its magic. Maybe it was all in my head but I know for sure that this was the first time I have ever surrendered to an experience outside of my control and I am addicted; I want more. My body deserves this reintegration back to myself. My body deserves her chance to feel, move and be heard. It’s time.